A Long Update

A lot has happened since I wrote a good, well thought out post. So here we go.

I guess the first thing I can start with is work. Paul told me he has this rule, and it goes like this. You don't think about work outside of work - ever, for any reason, period. If you do, you put an end to those thoughts immediately. Maybe this post will count as thinking about work outside of work, but it's a good way to get thoughts down and you can be updated at the same time.

For the past 3-4 months work has just been getting worse for me. I can also say my attitude has gotten worse, to be fair, but I'm having some thoughts about my career and what I'm doing with my life. I've been told what I'm feeling is normal, it's called that 20 something crisis, where you get out of school, realize the real world isn't what you thought it would be, suck it up, sedate yourself to work, and just get through it. There has to be more to it than this though. If all work were like this, there's no motivation to better yourself. If engineering is like this, I'm not sure what would motivate someone to do this. I can honestly say the challenge in school is what pushed me. To prove to myself that I could do it was the best reward ever. To look back and know I made it, was an accomplishment that I think will be hard to surpass. But what now?

What if what you thought you always wanted to do, wasn't the case? For a long, long time I have always wanted to design car parts. I've always wanted to see a car driving, with a part I designed on it. I'll get that chance in a few months, so it's here. What happens when you achieve that goal you wanted to so badly, so early in your career? I suppose the logical answer would be that your goal wasn't high enough, or that you need a new goal to work towards. What if you don't know what that goal is though? I'm in this rut right now. I'm achieving the goal I wanted to badly, but I'm only 24 and don't know what else now. What else do I do? I don't want to keep doing this forever. More school seems like a choice, but I have no money right now, and I need money for school.

I admit, a big problem for me, is constantly looking forward. I'm not just content with what I'm doing for the moment. Maybe that's a positive thing, in a way, because you're pushing yourself, but maybe it's also a bad thing because you'll constantly be looking for that thing that makes you happy, and at the end, you'll realize you just wished your whole life away by not enjoying the moment. That's a big problem.

So that's one part of work. That's my attitude, and my outlook. The other concern is that I honestly do question some of our management and the decisions made. Some of these decisions are not what I would consider ethically just. It's hard to watch someone ignore an issue, or take the easy way out, when it's not the right way. I have a hard time stomaching this. Then there's the bullshit. The fakeness, the politics if you will. I will admit, this was a BIG part of me choosing engineering, because I thought, the "games" would be minimized. It literally makes me sick to watch them play out. To listen to someone say one thing, and really "mean" it with passion, then get in a meeting and do the EXACT opposite of what they say - is hard.

So here's what happened last Thursday at work. I had my weekly morning meeting with my manager. He started to pester me about things I had no control over (manufacturing, testing, etc.). I tried to do the normal "I'm taking care of it" stuff, but about half way through I thought to myself "no, David, there's a problem with this - tell him". So I told him how I felt. I told him my patience was running thin, that I had about as much as I could take. He lightened up a bit and instead of taking the authoritative attitude he had more of a helpful approach, which I appreciated. At the end of this meeting, my head started to hurt and it was only 10:00. At 10:30 we had our big engineering meeting, and the chief engineer was a special guest. This was like a bullshit-athon for people in our group. Everyone had to get their words in, everyone had to finish each others sentences to prove they knew more. By this point, I was as apathetic as a person could be, sitting with my eyes closed taking deep breaths. After about 1.5 hours, the meeting was over. I went to my desk, got my car keys, phone, and left. I decided I wasn't coming back for the rest of the day. I came home, and stayed home for the rest of the day. As a precaution, if I had gone back, I probably wouldn't have a job right now.

I know I let it get to me, I know I do. But I am disappointed at times with work, the attitude, the atmosphere, and the politics. I needed a break. So I raked leaves in the yard for the rest of the day, and that was nice.

I'm not sure at this point what I will do. I do know, for now, I'll keep doing the best I can and take that paycheck. The "magic" is gone for the most part, so that spark I had might not be apparant. I'll perform as well as I can. I was told at my midyear review I was a "benchmark" for our group, but I'm not sure I can keep that role up. I will do what I can though. In the meantime, I need to be working on what I want to do. I will be working on this. So, that's work in a nutshell, I can move onto something else.

Gina and I decided not to date anymore. To be honest, I'm fine with that. I didn't feel it going anywhere, and there really was no point to keep it up. It was mutual, and we decided just to stay in touch. Even though we were only 3 years apart, I felt we didn't have a lot in common at all, and I never really felt too comfortable around her. It felt a little fake to me. She's a very nice girl though and I do wish her the best. That's so much shorter than work, huh? I guess you can see where my mind has been.

I'm really looking forward to going to South Carolina this weekend. I mean REALLY looking forward to it. If it weren't planned, I think I would go anyway. I will get an entire 2 weeks there at Christmas and that will be great. I want 2 whole weeks with my family, away from here.

As a side note: Some of this may be seasonal. I'm looking into day lamps, and actually a tanning bed. Not to get tan, but get vitamin D. It literally is dark when I go to work, grey when I'm work, and dark when I get home. I am exposed to no sun. I need to work on that.

Until next time.